Make Feedback Easier To Chew On
What feelings come up when you think about giving feedback?
Do you get all warm and fuzzy inside because you’re about to give a…gift???
Nah. Most of the time I hear:
Ughhh I have to give this tough feedback.
There’s uncertainty about how the feedback will be received and nervousness about whether it will escalate in an unpleasant direction.
Let’s talk about what makes feedback so tough and how we make it easier to chew on.
Characteristics of tough feedback:
Just focuses on the receiver
My biggest problem with the phrase “feedback is a gift” is in its interpretation that feedback is one-directional. Feedback is from me FOR YOU. It’s all for you. YOU did something. YOU must change. Often the giver of feedback dodges any responsibility for their experience in their feedback.
Judgmental
Tough feedback is judgy.
That was unacceptable
That was rude
That was careless
There is a labeling / characterization that the feedback giver shares before allowing the receiver a chance to share their experience.
Jumps ship
Many feedback exchanges either aren’t exchanges at all or someone leaves the room physically or mentally before the feedback cycle feels complete. Sometimes the giver of feedback is SO uncomfortable anticipating the discussion going sideways that they just want it to stop. They rush through, forcing some version of a head nod from the receiver, but without real resolution. Misunderstanding and resentment linger.
How to make feedback easier to chew on:
Share an EMOTION
Feedback is as much about the giver as it is about the receiver. Different people have vastly different reactions to the same behavior. So, as the giver of feedback, put some of yourself into the feedback. What emotions came up for you? Perhaps you felt blindsided, surprised, confused, abandoned, lost.
Remember that an emotion comes directly after “I feel ______.”
Whatever follows “I feel LIKE/THAT ______.” is a thought or a judgment, not a feeling. More on that next.
“When you jumped in as I was speaking in the meeting I felt discouraged.”
Disclose the NARRATION
Now it’s time to let our very human judgments out, whew! We’ve identified the emotion you’re feeling – what’s driving that emotion? It may have something to do with your social identity, lived experience, status or values. Additional dynamics that may be in play include:
Projection: We have a strong radar for identifying flaws in others that we have ourselves. We project the qualities we don’t like about ourselves onto other people.
Transference: we transfer our feelings and judgments about one person to someone we perceive as similar. A similar authority figure who reminds us of that awful boss we had or the colleague who reminds us of the bully from high school.
As you reflect on what’s compelling you to give this feedback – own it and disclose it for what it is – a narration, a story that may or may not be true!
“When you jumped in as I was speaking in the meeting I felt discouraged.
The story in my head is that you didn’t trust me or didn’t think I was doing a good job and needed to save the day.”
Leave room for MOTIVATION
We’ve acknowledged that the story we form about a situation may or may not be true. Read: our emotion is true, the story may not be. Now we get to check out whether our story is true. We need more information before evaluation. We can ask:
“When you jumped in as I was speaking in the meeting I felt discouraged.
The story in my head is that you didn’t trust me or didn’t think I was doing a good job and needed to save the day.
Was that what you meant?”
It gives the receiver an opportunity to say yes or oh no! I wanted to support you and show my solidarity with you. I was worried you were holding all the burden in the meeting. What you were saying was great and got me really excited.
Offer a SUGGESTION
We have more clarity now on the motivation behind the behavior in question, we can offer an option for what might work better. When interviewing teammates of a client, I ask some version of “what would work better for you [instead of what my client actually did]. I often am met with a blank stare. Isn’t it funny how it’s easier to know what we don’t want versus what we do want? As you form your feedback, remember the receiver isn’t a mind reader and could use a hand as to what would be helpful.
“I want your support! I’m grateful for it. What would make me feel supported is _____.”
Extend an INVITATION
Remember that feedback is not one-directional, feedback is an exchange. One way to prevent the receiver from checking out of the conversation is inviting them into it.
“How does that sound? Would that work for you? What might you need (to support me in that way)?”
The conversation becomes a dialogue focused on learning about one another and strengthening the working relationship. Ultimately giving feedback is the mechanism, not the goal. The goal is strengthening the working relationship.
